Heart to Heart - My healing journey
Christopher Rudd - Heart Attack survivor and founder of Toronto Alumni
Is it ok if I have a heart to heart to heart with you? Allow me to introduce myself, my name is Christopher Rudd. I am a heart and stroke survivor. A number of years I had the dubious honour of experiencing a horrific life altering event called a heart-attack.
It was a defining moment in my life and I was not even in my 40s. I started the day like any other, logging into my work computer, getting ready for a busy day. The company I was working for was an early adopter of work from home, so I was grateful to slip on my clothes and rush downstairs with a few minutes to spare.
Seemingly privileged, you would think working from home would exempt me from work related stresses, but nothing could be further from the truth. The night prior I was experiencing chest pain. I chalked it up to bad gas, but by morning, I knew it was much worse as it did not go away. It was an indescribable pain. It wasn’t that searing pain you see on an episode of Grays Anatomy; it was more like someone sitting on my chest.
By mid morning, after speaking to a number of clients, I knew something was wrong and I drove myself to the hospital, clutching my chest at every stop light, I am surprised I made it in piece. I don’t know why I thought it was a good idea to drive, but I guess it was the cheapskate in me. I am, after all, that same guy that makes a beeline to the clearance aisle as soon as I enter a store.
A flurry of scans, blood draws, temperature and numerous blood pressure checks, the hours blended together into one chaotic emotional mess. Emergency rooms have never been fun. I remember feeling an overwhelming sense of doom as I lay alone on a hospital gurney in the middle of a hospital emergency room. There were numerous code blue calls and I lay praying that I not be one of them. Those terrorizing moments came to a head when an ill-mannered cardiologist finally acknowledged what I secretly knew had happened to me. Thank you!
I remember being reminded of how I was too young to be there. I felt powerless and ashamed. It must have been my fault. No one said it, but given their cold demeanour, maybe they were right. It was my fault. I was overweight, made poor food choices. I was stupid.
The cardiologist in his matter-of-fact speech told me I needed to have an angiogram. A decision was made unilaterally without my input, to transfer me to a new hospital for this procedure. I had no idea what it entailed and so I relented and made my way in an ambulance to the new hospital.
I remember the humanity of the ambulance driver. He could sense how I was feeling and said to me, Mr Rudd, its going to be all right, you’ve got a lot left in this life. He was a young guy, perhaps half my age with a big smile. It was one of those few moments during this whole incident that made me relax my guard and realize that I was going to be ok. Well, it was not the first moment kindness I experienced, that actually came when an elderly man in a hospital garb saw me teary eyed and proceeded to embrace me and tell me it was going to be ok while I waited for a CT scan.
Human beings can be really compassionate!
Let me accelerate the story a bit. During the angiogram, it was determined that I needed a stent. It wasn’t explained to me what it was, only that I needed it and so here I am with synthetic parts inserted in my body.
The discharge came and went, but the grief and sorrow remained. I was given a substantial amount of medication. Never before had my body been exposed to such a shock to the system. The medication made me sick, depressed, suicidal.
The ceilings at Costco spun around and around and I remember my spouse asking me if I was on drugs and why was I acting so strange. She didn’t understand. I was on all kinds of drugs. For months after I suffered with debilitating stomach pain and depression. The medication made it worse and I was feeling desperate. I remember telling my cardiologist, the same Mr Personality from the hospital how I felt and his response was more drugs.
I didn’t listen to him. I made the decision to join the gym and quit talking to him. It wasn’t the smartest move, but it gave me the empowerment I needed to change my life and boy did I ever! I shed the pounds, eliminated poor habits and people could no longer recognize me. I was slim, dropped 4 sizes and was now on a positive trajectory! I was finally living the life I wanted to!
I was going to the gym daily, had no issues, paired down almost all of the medication and was finally feeling good about myself. Then the pandemic hit. Gyms closed, personal connections were put on hold, masks became the norm and everything that had provided me with a sense of joy aside from my family, was suddenly gone. It hit me hard. Old habits reasserted themselves and here I was partaking in poor food choices. I was sedentary, unmotivated and depressed. I felt imprisoned in my home and here I am one year later, pandemic still raging across the globe and I end up in the emergency room for the same thing.
The difference this time, was that there were no thorough tests, no follow up blood tests, the emergency room, bursting at the seems was devoted to prioritizing covid and I was told I was fine and the tests were of no concern. They were not. Days later I received the tests and I decided to compare them to the original tests and the results were very similar to my initial heart-attack results. Now I am no physician and I do not advocate self-diagnosing yourself; I do advocate for advocating for yourself and asking questions. I tried to get in touch with Mr Personality Cardiologist, but I couldn’t get past his receptionist. She told me that he was booking months out. I told her it was urgent, she said go to emergency. Really, emergency? During a pandemic? Been there!
Eventually, I had my doctor get me in touch with a new cardiologist who moved promptly to get me, get me an electrocardiogram, nuclear scan and other tests done. The diagnosis, I am going to need another angiogram as he suspects my arteries are blocked. He is probably right as here I am unable to walk down the street without getting winded and clutching my chest. Only my nitro spray provides me with temporary reprieve and the ability to keep pace with my daughter as we do the only thing we can together during this pandemic – walk around the neighbourhood. I feel discouraged, ashamed, but I am determined to get back to my 20km running self. I am a survivor and so is everyone else that suffers from heart disease.
Nitro Spray relaxes the arteries
If you found this article helpful, please make a donation to your local Heart and Stroke Foundation. Links below for Canada and the US
~Christopher Rudd
